A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud toward him. The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, YSL tie and Ray Ban sunglasses leans out of the window and asks the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

The shepherd looks at the man who is obviously a Princeton grad, then looks at his grazing flock and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Sony notebook computer, connects to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location. He feeds that data to another NASA satellite which scans the area in an ultra-high resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility located in Hamburg, Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an e-mail on his "Palm Pilot" that the image has been processed and the data stored.

He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an e-mail on his "Blackberry" and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP Laser jet printer and turns to the shepherd and states, "You have exactly 1,586 sheep."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep," says the shepherd.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on, amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the shepherd says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and replies, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a consultant," says the shepherd.

"Wow! That's correct," answers the yuppie. "But how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required. You showed up here even though nobody called you... you want to get paid for an answer I already knew to a question I never asked... and... you don't know shit about my business.

"Now Give Me Back My Dog!"]]> http://eshipnet.com/Tue, 27 Jun 2006 10:53:26 +0700Merger

A long time ago, when the earth was molten rock, things were different. There was no Sega Dreamcast. There were no 24-hour burrito places. There was nowhere online that people could blog and meet new people. So in addition to burning his or her feet on the lava that covered the earth, there was much to make life sucky back then for most people. Then dinosaurs came. But they died. Tragic, really. I don't like to talk about it because it makes me too sad. Then people starting building all sorts of crud and having wars and stuff. Then Thomas Edison hung Benjamin Franklin from a flagpole during a thunderstorm and invented electricity. Then Al Gore put penicillin in a petri dish and invented the Internet. Not long after that, two cool websites launched that catered to the needs of different community. One you know already. That's GoldStar® Alice's web Site . The other was eShipNet.com And while I have a personal affinity for my web page, the eShipNet.com was pretty darn cool, too. Then, on June 6, 2006 (06/06/06) something historic happened: Poor bob fit 32 grapes in his mouth. Oh wait, I was thinking of a *different* historic event: GoldStar® Alice's web site and eShipNet.com merged. What does this mean to YOU? Initially, nothing. Everything will continue as normal. But as the two sites begin to integrate, you'll be in for quite a treat. Double the resources means double the fun! Or was that double the mint? Whatever. The point is that now that we are all working together, the things that we'll be able to do as a community are limitless. If you have feelings or questions about my blog, feel free to shoot me an email. (Note: The above is the most grossly inaccurate history lesson EVER. Everything is questionable except the website stuff. Amen!)

]]> http://eshipnet.com/Tue, 6 Jun 2006 1:23:13 +0700Technology and the Human Body

Three men are sitting naked in the there is a beeping sound. The first man presses his forearm and the beeping stops. The others look at him questioningly. "That's my pager," he says. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later a phone rings. The second man lifts his palm to his ear.When he finishes he explains, "That's my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."

The third man, feeling decidedly low-tech but not to be outdone, decided he had to do something just as impressive. He steps out of the sauna and goes to the toilet. He returns with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his ass. The others raised their eyebrows and said,"Wow! What's that?" "I'm getting a Fax," he explains.]]> http://eshipnet.com/Tue, 23 May 2006 4:33:18 +0700Words of Wisdom

• Impotence: Nature's way of saying - "No hard feelings"
• Schizophrenia beats being alone.
• If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
• You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes. You will learn a lot today.
• A thing not worth doing isn't worth doing well.
• Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?
• All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
• I don't have a solution; but I do admire the problem.
• I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it.
• A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS but it uses up a thousand times the memory.
• The Meek shall inherit the earth.. ...after we're through with it.
• If a thing is worth doing, it would have been done already.
• Two can live as cheaply as one... for half as long.
• Lord, If I can't be skinny, please let all my friends be fat.
• Good Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
• THE BUCK DOESN'T EVEN SLOW DOWN HERE So keep on going.
• Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career.
• Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.
• It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
• A closed mouth gathers no foot.
• The trouble with life is there's no background music.
• I was only looking at your name tag, honest!
• When blondes have more fun do they know it?
• Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
• What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
• We have enough youth. How about a fountain of "Smart"?
• MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT!
• Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking?

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Atlanta to New York. After almost twenty- four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the manager.

The manager listens to the man and then explains the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use. He also explains they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous.

'The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here,' explains the manager.

No matter what facility the manager mentions, the man replies, 'But we didn't use it!'

The manager is unmoved and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the manager.

The manager is surprised when he looks at the check.

'But sir,' he says, 'this check is only made out for $100.'

'That's right,' says the man. 'I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife.'

'But I didn't!' exclaims the manager.

'Well,' the man replies, 'she was here, and you could have.']]> http://eshipnet.com/Tue, 23 May 2006 4:30:16 +070082 Ways to know if you are Chinese

...Chinese's habit...

1. You unwrap Christmas gifts very carefully, so you can save and reuse the wrapping (and especially those bows) next year.
2. You only buy Christmas cards after Christmas, when they are 50% off.
3. When there is a sale on toilet paper, you buy 100 rolls and store them in your closet or in the bedroom of an adult child who has moved out.
4. You have a vinyl table cloth on your kitchen table.
5. Your stove is covered with aluminum foil.
6. Your kitchen has a sticky film of grease over it.
7. You have stuff in the freezer since the beginning of time.
8. You use the dishwasher as a dish rack.
9. You never knew that non-human dishwashers existed.
10. You keep a thermos of hot water available at all times.
11. You boil water and put it in the refrigerator.
12. You eat all meals in the kitchen.
13. You save grocery bags, tin foil and tin containers.
14. You use grocery bags to hold garbage.
15. You always leave your shoes at the door.
16. You have a piano in your living room.
17. Your parents know how to launch nasal and oral projectiles.
18. You iron your own shirts.
19. You play a musical instrument.
20. You pick your teeth at the dinner table (but you cover your mouth).
21. You twirl your pen around your fingers.
22. You hate to waste food.
    • Even if you're totally full, if someone says they're going to throw away the leftovers on the table, you'll finish them.
    • You have tupperware in your fridge with three bites of rice or one leftover chicken wing.
23. You don't own any real tupperware -- only a cupboard full of used but carefully rinsed margarine tubs, takeout containers, and jam jars.
24. You also use the jam jars as drinking glasses.
25. You've eaten a red bean popsicle.
26. You bring oranges (or other produce) with you as a gift when you visit peoples homes.
27. You have a collection of miniature shampoo bottles that you take every time you stay in a hotel.
28. The condiments in your fridge are either Price Club sized or come in plastic packets, which you save / steal every time you get take out or go to McDonaids.
29. Ditto paper napkins.
30. You never order room service.
31. You carry a stash of your own food whenever you travel (and travel means any car ride longer than 15 minutes).
    • These travel snacks are always dried. As in not just dried plums, dried ginger and beef/ pork jerky, but dried cuttlefish (SQUID).
32. You own a rice cooker.
33. You wash your rice at least 2-3 times before cooking it.
34. You spit bones and other food scraps on the table. (That's why you need the vinyl tablecloth.)
35. Your parents vehemently refuse the sack of gold coin oranges that their guests just brought just to be courteous.
36. You fight over who pays the dinner bill.
37. Your dad thinks he can fix everything himself.
38. You majored in something practical like engineering, medicine or law.
39. When you go to a dance party, there are a wall of guys surrounding the dance floor trying to look cool.
40. You live with your parents and you are 30 years old (and they prefer it that way).
    • If you're married and 30 years old, you live in the apartment next door to your parents, or at least in the same neighbourhood.
41. You don't use measuring cups.
42. You feel like you've gotten a good deal if you didn't pay tax.
43. You beat eggs with chopsticks.
44. Your parents house is always cold.
45. You have a teacup with a cover on it.
46. You reuse teabags.
47. You have a drawer full of old pens, most of which don't write anymore.
48. If you're under age 20, you own a really expensive walkman; if You're over 20, you own a really expensive camera.
49. You mom drives her Mercedes to the Price Club.
50. You always look phone numbers up in the phone book, since calling Information costs 50 cents.
51. You tip Chinese delivery guys / waiters more.
52. You're a wok user.
53. You only make long distance calls after 11 p.m.
54. You know all the waiters at your favourite Chinese restaurants.
55. You like Chinese films in their original undubbed versions.
    • You love Chinese Martial Arts films.
    • Shao Lin and Wu Tang actually mean something to you.
56. You have acquired a taste for bitter melon.
57. You like congee with thousand year old eggs.
58. You prefer your shrimp with the heads and legs still attached means they're fresh.
59. You never call your parents just to say hi.
60. You always cook too much.
61. If you don't live at home, when your parents call, they ask if you've eaten, even if it's midnight.
62. Also, if you don't live at home, your parents always want you to come home.
63. Your parents tell you to boil herbs and stay inside when you get sick.
64. When you're sick, they also tell you not to eat fried foods or baked goods because they produce hot air ('yeet hay' in Cantonese).
65. You e-mail your Chinese friends at work, even though you only sit 10 feet apart.
66. Your parents never go to the movies.
67. Your parents send money to their relatives in China.
68. You use a face cloth.
69. Your parents use a clothes line.
70. You're always late, not just for wedding dinners.
71. You eat every last grain of rice in your bowl, but don't eat the last piece of food on the table.
72. You starve yourself before going to all you can eat sushi.
73. You've joined a CD club at least once.
74. You know someone who can get you a good deal on jewellery or electronics.
75. You never discuss your love life with your parents.
76. Your parents are never happy with your grades.
77. You save your old coke bottle glasses even though you're never going to use them again.
78. You place used batteries under sunlight to recharge them.
79. You own your own meat cleaver and sharpen it.
80. You keep most of your money in a savings account.
81. You know what MJ means.
82. You've been on the Love Boat or know someone who has.

Thousands of bottom-feeding keywords that seem to produce overall profit are nothing more than a bunch of ants carrying a piece of food together. While it might seem like they are working together on a common goal, it has been scientifically established that ants just pull the food each in their own direction. What seems to be a result of a great collaboration is actually nothing more than a few ants on one end of the piece being a bit stronger than a few ants on the other end.

What would happen if you removed the ants off the wrong side of the piece of food?

- The piece itself would move in the right direction much faster.]]> http://eshipnet.com/Tue, 23 May 2006 4:26:20 +0700Fear Factor

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And, as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

By:

Marianne Williamson

excerpt from her book A Return To Love: Reflections on the Principles of A Course in Miracles.